G U I T A R D E D !

There’s something powerful about stupid authenticity. Zachary Guitars is one of my favorite examples. The website for the guitar maker looks like it was made by my 12-year old cousin. Not to disparage my cousin, but this is no compliment. Actually, my cousin would probably craft a more (traditionally) logical website.

Zachary Guitars' IKEA Butcher Block Tele

That being said, lurking beneath the surface of Mary-Kate and Ashley pics, wild rants about why PRS is the devil, and why Zachary Guitars are better than sex, are some of the finest solid-body electric guitars I’ve ever seen. Be sure to take a look at the guitars currently for sale, aptly captioned, “SHOCK and AWE - XXX Hardcore Guitar Porn”. Let’s just say that if Fretboard Journal is Playboy, Zachary Guitars is Hustler. Personal favorites include the IKEA Butcher Block Tele, the Danny Gatton, and the Bug Infested.

With the exception of Steve Klein’s electrics, these are my favorite. Rocking the zero-fret action for a balanced sound that only the most GUITARDED! geeks would look for, these babies are made for players. According to the website, prospective Zachary Guitar owners must qualify to buy one of these guitars. I’ve yet to investigate the validity of this claim. Even if it’s false, it’s brilliant. The idea of keeping these masterpieces out of the hands of doctors and lawyers amuses me to no end. There is nothing less holy than a great guitar perched atop a mantle, never to be played. Talk about false idols.

I first encountered Zachary Guitars at Yale’s annual guitar extravaganza (a truly GUITARDED! event if there ever was one). Seth Josel, electric guru and avid presenter of New Art Music, gave a lecture/demonstration about the history of the electric guitar’s role in New Art Music as well as an evening concert. Even from the cheap seats, I could tell his guitar was the real deal. My geeky guitar glands kicked into action triggering a series of uncontrollable biological urges that led me to the stage to examine his guitar. I was immediately converted.

When I discovered Zachary Guitars’ insane website and anti-corporate attitude I was all the more pleased. Don’t get me wrong; I love American capitalism. But NAMM, Guitar Center, and the big instrument manufacturers are in the business of selling (and price-fixing) commodities. I’m perfectly happy with my car being made by robots in China, but not my guitar. Hence they’re called manufacturers. Anyone headed into Guitar Center better expect production line material. After all, it is owned by Bain Capital Partners (and they know a lot about music). But I can’t help feel like an East German in 1988 every time I shop there. Except instead of one kind of soap with one kind of label, we have one kind of soap with 8,451 kinds of labels. A hilarious corporate description online claims, “What AutoZone is to the garage, Guitar Center is to the garage band.” A clearer analogy would read, “What McDonald’s is to Chez Panisse, Guitar Center is to Zachary Guitars.” But Guitar Center won’t necessarily make you fat and kill you. Or will it?

Maybe we need a Slow Food movement equivalent for guitar (Slow Guitar movement?). Imagine trekking to the woods to chop down the tree from which your axe would be carved (pun intended)! Or winding the coils for your own pickups! Or personally euthanizing the sheep to get the catgut required for your strings! Perhaps I’ve gone too far…

Or maybe I haven’t. Upon reflection, my initial reaction of the “stupid authenticity” of Zachary Guitars is misguided. It’s the radical philosophy behind it I’m drawn to. Perhaps in our current cultural climate radicalism merely takes the face of naïveté. At a recent colloquium I attended on Carla Bley’s music, scholar Amy Beal noted Carla is fond of saying, “Once you lose your ignorance, it’s hard to get it back.” I’d definitely like to get some of mine back. I think one of Zachary Guitars’ monstrosities would help.

In case you may have forgotten, Christmas is just around the corner and my P.O. box is listed on my site. Feel free to have one shipped directly to me. Now that I’ve trashed the major manufacturers and distributors I’m going to need one - my chances of endorsement are shot.